The Easy Way to Talk Dirty

A lot of you want to turn your guy on. But, not everyone wants to talk about big, throbbing organs and things you’d only hear in a porn flick. You want it to be sensual as much as sexual. Heartfelt as much as horny. Romantic as much as randy.

Luckily, you’ve got me. Well you don’t actually have me, my fiancee does. But you’ve got my help. So, what do you say to drive a man wild without sounding cheesy, or like a sailor on shore leave? And how?

1. Whisper. You know why they call ’em “sweet nothings”? Because you don’t have to say much of anything for this to work. Even if you’re asking him to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from work, the feel of your breath on his ear and neck will make his hairs (and a lot else) stand on end. By and large, though this one works a lot better if you’re not assigning chores to him – even though I know a sneaky gal or two who uses this technique for just that purpose.
2. Tell him what he does to you. For example: “You make me feel sexy.” or “when you’re around, I just can’t control myself”. Or, “when I start thinking about you, I can’t concentrate on anything else”. Or, something like “you give me goosebumps when you touch me”. This is also a great opportunity to be coy and a little bashful.
3. Be direct and make contact. Say what you mean, what you want, or what you feel, and touch him when you say it. Now, I’m not saying to grab his crotch and say “give it to me”. That’s a little scary. And is that REALLY your personality? Do it gently. Sensually. Teasingly. What I mean is touching his lips with your fingertips, and saying to meet you in the bedroom. Stuff like that. The grandest total display of this? Sit him down and do a striptease for him. To totally tease him, tell him he can’t touch you until you’re finished.

That covers the “How”. Now, for the “What”. Here are five of the best things you can say to turn a guy on. I would say 10, but the other 5 are NC-17 rated.

1. “I want you.” The classic: short, sweet, succinct. The trick in pulling this one off without sounding cheesy is the look in your eye, and your body language. Look him in the eye. Hold his hand. Say it like you mean it. A cool variation of this one is the tease. He can be sitting watching TV, or reading, or walking around the mall with you. Look him in the eye, say it, and then walk away. Within seconds, he’ll be chasing you around.
2. “You drive me crazy.” Now this one is all about tone. If you’re kissing his neck and getting undressed when you say it, it’s one thing. If you’re saying it while throwing dishes at his head and walking out the door, it means something else entirely.
3. “Meet me in the bedroom.” Or, “I’ll be in the bedroom.” This is best said in lingerie or naked, and while on your way to the bedroom. If your guy doesn’t respond to this one, get yourself a new guy.
4. “Would you like to take a shower with me?” Who doesn’t love showering together? C’mon.
5. “You have to do everything I say.” This one’s very open ended, and for a reason. It makes guys excited and a little nervous. They don’t know what’s coming next. But don’t use it to make him mow the lawn or pick your Mom up at the airport. It’s better suited for a little game or roleplay. As mentioned above, a favorite is the “I’m gonna tease you but you can’t touch me” game. You wanna whip a guy up into a frenzy, you show him the goods and tell him he can’t have ’em.

So yes, you don’t have to be dirty and gross and ask “Who’s your momma” to get a guy turned on. By the way, any mention of his mother probably wouldn’t be a good thing.

You don’t need whips, chains, dirty magazines or movies, another person (a different column entirely) or anything but YOU to get your guy hot and bothered.

In case you forgot, that’s how you got him in the first place.

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