“Can You Carry This?”

Fellas —

When you’re with a woman, not even necessarily dating her, a funny thing happens. All seems normal as you’re getting ready to go out, and then she starts looking at you funny. Her eyes roam up and down your body. She gets a weird look in her eye. She moves in close, her freshly-lipsticked lips part, and she asks:

“Can you carry this for me?”

Ah yes. The pocket principle. This one starts as far back as college, when they finally figure out exactly how to smile, bat their eyes, and pout their lips to get you to do anything, even when you’re just friends. And I’m sure it goes back to the time when Oonga-Boonga asked her pal Zutok to hold her rock for her because she had no room in her mammoth-skin skirt.

You know the deal. Her too-tight pants or micromini don’t have pockets, but you do. So for the evening, you’re her walking handbag. Given, it’s some smaller version of the shopping bag she usually calls a purse, but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’ve got a lipstick in your front pocket. And you’re not happy to see anybody. You’re just a guy walking around with makeup in his pocket, which also gives you a pretty unimpressive bulge in your pants.

And that’s just the tip of this Titanic-sinking iceburg. You’ve also got to hold her keys, her wallet, and in some cases, her cell phone and disposable camera, too. Not too bad, if you didn’t also have your own keys, wallet, and phone. Next thing you know, your cool Banana Republic flat-front slacks look like MC Hammer’s parachute pants, and you can’t sit down without being jabbed by something. Plus, your pockets are jingling like spurs in some Old West movie.

Then you end up looking like her pimp when you do get out, because every time she needs money for a cover charge, a drink, a slice of pizza or a cab ride, you’re reaching into your pockets to hand it to her. This is not a good look for either one of you. Women will either think you’re a sugar daddy or a misogynistic ass, and guys will think she’s on your payroll.

And God help you if that lipstick falls out of your pocket while you’re standing at the bar, or worse, in the men’s room. Actually, if it does fall out in the men’s room, you probably don’t want to be there anymore, and she probably doesn’t want the lipstick anymore.

Or, she forgets to ask for it back at the end of the night, and you wash your pants with lipstick in the pocket that you usually DON’T have anything in. Ugh. And it’s not just when you’re out for a night on the town, either: “Hey, and here’s a picture of me with my cargo shorts down around my knees because your Mom made me carry the camera, film, map, guide book, and sunscreen in my pockets all day. That’s her in the bikini and flip-flops.”

So, what can you do? How can you reclaim your pockets as your own? Well, you can make them carry purses. But, then you run the risk at some point of standing around holding her purse. Besides the obvious reasons you don’t want THAT, chances are it won’t even go with your outfit. So then you’re a beast of burden AND a Glamour magazine “Don’t.”

Fanny packs could help, but I can’t even get my wife to use one at Disney World, much less for a night out. If there was a stylish, small, unobtrusive fanny pack – it’d be called a purse. Damn. Or, you can start wearing pocket-less pants yourself, and just shrug your shoulders when she asks. But then you don’t have anywhere to keep YOUR stuff.

Or, you can just say no. Yeah, because we guys are known for our ability to say no to a woman who’s wearing something so tight that she has no room for pockets.

On the upside, if you play your cards right (and reach for the “right” wallet every time), YOU won’t have to pay for a drink all night.

Anyone know the words to “Can’t touch this?”