Just for Men

Get What You Want Without Feeling Selfish

I gave serious thought to naming this week’s bit “The Selfish Man’s Guide To Success With Women”. After all, that’s really a fitting title.

But the problem is that nobody wants to be cast as “selfish”, do they? Of course not. Yet, the truth is that if you didn’t spend considerable time attending to your own needs and wants, you would be in no condition to make a philanthropic dent on society, would you?

Anyone who has ever bought a commercial airline ticket and used it has heard a flight attendant’s pitch to deploy one’s own oxygen mask before assisting the younguns. Oh yeah, and “breathe normally” while doing so, will you?

Even Mother Theresa was really doing what she most wanted to in life. And she also fed her own face every once in a while too, I’m sure.

Learn the SecretHow to go down on a woman so she's begging for more!

What I’m getting at here is that I’ve been hearing a lot from guys lately who are having a common problem. Essentially, the issue seems to surround wanting to “not break any rules”, “stay socially acceptable”, “fit in with the crowd”, and so forth. And what’s happening is that these guys end up standing passively by while OTHER GUYS come for the women they have their eye on (or even the ones they LIVE with). Yet, they are averse to trying to push the envelope a bit because that would be too uh”forward”, or something.

Meanwhile, at that last speed dating event, six of these guys were probably standing around before things got rolling chit-chatting amongst themselves about this exact topic while the seventh guy was already leaving with the one attractive woman who showed up.

Isn’t stuff like that against the “speed dating rules of etiquette”?

I mean, how rude and selfish of guys like that to come around and assert themselves with all the particularly sharp women, huh?

OK, guyshere it is: It’s time to stop being a martyr. You’re not being benevolent and unselfish by neglecting to assert your alpha position in deserving the greatest women.

And guess what, you’re not doing any favors for the women you persist in “settling for” either.

What you ARE doing is FAILING TO DEPLOY.

You’re not only keeping your self from success in the name of being “Mr. Nice Guy”, you are STEALING OPPORTUNITY from great women everywhere.

In your heart, don’t you feel a twinge of frustration knowing that certain fantastic women out there would be better off with you than the mediocre guys they themselves have been “settling” for lately? There’s no doubt about it in your mind, yet you still refuse to impose your will.

That would be selfish. Or possibly confused with appearing too “needy”. Or something like that.

Now before you get too animated, you know me well enough by now to know that I’m not talking about stealing people’s spouses or anything else that’s from the “dark side”. It’s just that it’s time to reframe this notion of what “selfishness” really means and how it can become a scapegoat for artificially limiting ourselves.

We all know that MANIPULATION is to be avoided. Most of us understand that manipulators, by definition, operate purely from a motive of getting as much of what they want from others with as little personal investment as possible. Under the guise of friendship and an umbrella of flattery, the manipulator guilt-trips an unwitting subject into handing over personal favors and perhaps even physical items of far greater worth than what has been extended.

Yeah, that’s pretty selfish stuff. And once exposed for what it is, manipulative patterns and the purveyors thereof tend to be summarily looked down upon with disdain by society.

And last I checked, “society” was made up of roughly 50% women.

Contrast that entire concept with AMBITION. One who is ambitious could be described as knowing what he or she wants, and having the confidence and the plan to transform goals into realities. If true to their focus, such individuals tend to go on to become CEOs, heads of state, cancer survivors and/or perennial all-star point guards.

We love stories of ambition and those who author them. And we love watching ambitious people succeed-especially when the odds are against them.

But make no mistake: Ambition is still all about an individual and his or her personal desires.

So what gives? Selfishness? Manipulation? Ambition? What’s the difference?

First of all, in order to break free from backing off from the kind of women we want to deserve (or the career, adventures, friends, etc. for that matter), we have to stop using “selfishness” as an excuse to cover up what’s actually pure FEAR in most cases. Social martyrdom is typically nothing more than a cover-up for insecurity and flat-out worry.

MANIPULATION is the low-road because therein selfishness exists in a vacuum. We’re talking absolutely zero concern for the needs and welfare of others. It’s ALL taking, all the time. What’s more, the manipulator betrays a common knowledge of right vs. wrong by attempting to mask intentions.

Meanwhile, AMBITION leaves room for others to come along for the ride to success. Implied is an over-arching goal to make sure one’s life MATTERS. Also implied is the desire to succeed in a way so as to make the world a better place in a way only he or she uniquely can.

Sure, there can be a fine line. Some people can become somewhat destructively selfish in the name of ambition, most definitely. For example, Lance Armstrong’s particular brand of ambition conquered cancer and enabled surreal athletic achievements. But it also has repeatedly steamrolled anyone close to him.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: Manipulation drives great women away because it is ultimately rooted in sniveling weakness. Ambition, on the other hand represents the direct approach. He who is ambitious openly states his intentions in broad daylight and exerts the power and leadership to reach goals.

And ambition, therefore, is extraordinarily attractive to women.

Ambition, simply put, transcends “selfishness” by directing one’s vision for success in a path that leads to great things. Others want to be in on that. And make no mistake, great achievements are predicated upon it.

Leadership, confidence, having a plan for success. That’s pretty much what women want out of a man. And that’s why guys who break the speed dating rules (for example) get the girl. Sure, they put their needs ahead of othersbut not ahead of the women they choose to invite into their lives.

So where do you stand? Are you watching from the sidelines so as not to “impose” on anyone?

Visited 1 times, 1 visit(s) today

Scot McKay

Scot McKay is a professional dating and relationship coach, author and podcast host. He founded X & Y Communications in San Antonio, TX, which focuses on equipping and empowering men and women who want to go from good to great in their relationships. Scot is now married to his wife Emily.

Leave a Reply