Just for Men

Is Being “Nice” Really Keeping You from Getting Dates?

Since we’ve all read countless articles and heard endless audio on how “nice guys” don’t get women, you’d think we’ve probably gotten the message by now.

Sure, we’ve had it drummed into our heads that wussies who “kiss up” to women fail. Along with that, it typically follows that we’re reminded how “bad boys” or “jerks” are the ones who get all the women.

In fact, you’ve probably heard SO MUCH of this sort of thing that right now you’re hoping this newsletter isn’t going to simply reiterate something you’ve heard a thousand times over.

Rest assured. I wouldn’t do that to you.

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Instead, I have a crazy question.

Even though you’ve heard the “nice guy vs. bad boy” routine a bazillion time, have you REALLY gotten the RIGHT message from it?

Based on what I’ve been seeing lately in the Seduction Community blogosphere, on forums and in my inbox, I’m beginning to wonder.

Unless my brain is playing tricks on me, it looks like any time a guy mentions having any kind of benevolent thought towards a woman at all, someone is there to crack him upside the head and bring him back to “sensibility”.

Planning a romantic evening? Playing her favorite music in the car? Giving her a reasonable compliment when she wants your honest opinion?

The horror!

According to “common wisdom” these days, ANY such behavior under any circumstances is a sure-fire symptom of impending “Nice Guy” disorder.

Meanwhile, other “industry standards” such as “negging” and “cocky/funny” are more than ever being widely misconstrued to mean “be flat-out rude as hell to women”.

All over the fruited plain, gentlemen, the apparent surround to all of this would appear to be, “If you want to get women, be kind of mean to them and forget about doing anything benevolent whatsoever.”

Read that last quote over again and think about it for a while.

Do you really, truly believe that’s what it takes to bring high quality women into your life?

Yet, that very thought process is pandemic in the world of men’s dating advice.

Think I’m overreacting? If so, go surf a few Seduction Community forums and find out for yourself what kind of Kool-Aid people have been drinking.

Well, guess what guys?

I think you can still be a perfectly decent (dare I spell out “nice”?) person…and get MORE high-quality women than any “bad boy” or “jerk”.

How’s that?

All it takes is DECONSTRUCTING exactly WHY “Mr. Nice Guy” loses with women.

First, this guy typically has a sexual “agenda” with women that a sense of personal shame keeps under wraps.

Thinking he’d scare women away were he an “oppressive sexual threat”, he dares not portray himself as a masculine presence.

Strike one. “Neuter” doesn’t attract.

Next, “Mr. Nice Guy” is usually out to IMPRESS women by buying them stuff, doing endless favors, etc.

Strike two. He wouldn’t do that for anyone other than a “hottie”, so no woman can trust him. Inspiring confidence and thereby instilling security in a woman is therefore an impossibility.

(And I mean really…it comes off kind of like that guy in the store who keeps calling you “sir” even though you’re sure his demeanor is completely different when he’s off the clock, right?)

Finally, being “extra nice” is usually a direct symptom of being needy and desperate…a dead giveaway that you DO NOT HAVE OPTIONS.

Strike three. He’s clearly “not in her league”.

As for the “I/J” (or “Idiot/Jerk”), he *can* indeed get somewhere with women…usually the ones with LOW SELF ESTEEM.


Well, maybe the woman feels she doesn’t deserve a great man, so it’s her lot to “suffer”.

Or, if the feedback I’ve gotten from certain women holds true, at least she feels she can TRUST that what she sees is what she gets when a guy is openly an I/J.

Are you noticing what’s going on under the surface here?

Ultimately, why the “nice guy” loses has NOTHING to do with being “nice”.

And, notwithstanding dysfunctional attachment to self-punishment, I don’t think it’s particularly necessary that a man be downright evil in order for a woman to know where she stands with him, either.

Even if she’s after the “bad boy type” (e.g. Harley, tattoos, etc.) there’s plenty of those guys out there who are perfectly decent people. All the while, they still having that sense of adventure and healthy appreciation for an adrenaline rush that women tend to crave.

You may even meet some of them and say, “Man, that’s a nice guy.”

Basically, what you’ve just heard me imply that a high-quality woman will settle for NEITHER “Mr. Nice Guy” NOR an “I/J”.

What gives?

Well, as I’ve said before, the seldom-recognized champion over this entire phenomenon is a GREAT MAN.

And one of the few things that make sense in the dating world–disarmingly so in this case–is that GREAT MEN really do stand an excellent chance of getting GREAT WOMEN.

Over seventy years ago, Dale Carnegie published his seminal work How To Win Friends And Influence People , which to this day is a wildly popular best seller.

In fact, much of what you read today in terms of “how to” info on social dynamics can be traced back to roots in that book.

Here’s a great quote from it, so good that the author repeats it twice in context:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in

other people than you can in two years by trying to get other

people interested in you.”

In other words, if you are only about meeting your own selfish needs, you’ll get nowhere with people.

And both the “Nice Guy” and the “I/J” are more interested in what they can get from a woman than they are interested in her.

What’s “Mr. Nice Guy’s” greatest fear?

You guessed it: Being exiled to the “Just Be Friends Zone”.

So as a result, not only do you have guys out there who are trying NOT to be “nice” to women, they’re trying to AVOID being friends with her!

All this based on the prevailing “dating advice” guys are being given.

Somewhere, Dale Carnegie is rolling over in his grave.

Here it is: The real PROBLEM with the “JBF Zone” is the “J”.

Dale Carnegie’s book has sold millions of copies because it does an amazing job of living up to its title.

And guess what? It’s one of the best DATING ADVICE books I’ve ever read.

Why? Because it teaches you how to attract PEOPLE.

And GREAT WOMEN, last I checked, classified as such.

When you genuinely care about others and let go of self-absorption, you not only start meeting the women you want…you get the added benefit of succeeding at work and in your social circles too.

So yeah, you can be a nice guy and get great women. But only if you mean it, and only if you know how to make friends. No “hidden agendas” and no lazy selfishness allowed.

I realize that what I’m sharing with you here is completely different from what you’re used to hearing. No question.

And make no mistake, this is about throwing out the dark ulterior motives that characterize “Mr. Nice Guy” and really, genuinely going about the matter of becoming the kind of high-character man who draws people unto himself magnetically.

No doubt you’ve heard talk out there about how to be “charismatic” and “alpha” in order to get women, haven’t you?

What a paradox to mix those concepts in with talk about being a “jerk” instead of a “nice guy”!

No wonder so many guys who are “chasing tail” end up chasing their OWN tail, right?

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Scot McKay

Scot McKay is a professional dating and relationship coach, author and podcast host. He founded X & Y Communications in San Antonio, TX, which focuses on equipping and empowering men and women who want to go from good to great in their relationships. Scot is now married to his wife Emily.

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